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Finding Myself by Arueze Chisom Precious.

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“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it” -Nicholas Sparks.

I stared at his message till the letters squirmed like snakes. It says.  “ hey hi this thing between us is no longer working, I quit.” That was my 3 and half year relationship.

It broke me. I did the usual thing every girl who truly loved would do after a break up.The question that kept popping up in my head was “ how do I move on?”. Just like a trader whose shop got burnt.. I had to  start all over  again. I feared change. For someone like me who has had 3 relationships each lasting for 3 yrs. I began to think I was the problem. I gave my relationships  my best, I was this doting girlfriend. I replayed the situation that led to my breakup  in  my head and wondered where I went wrong. So I courageously started my healing process. I knew it would not be an easy one but it was a journey I was so eager to embark on. Many times I tried to down play the effect my break up had on me but it always found a way to gnaw it’s way back to my heart.

The first week had me reminiscing on the good times in my relationship. I missed my ex and I would call begging to come back but he was adamant. I would watch pictures, listen to voice notes and phone recordings. It made me tear up and I always wondered if I was jinxed to not be in  good relationship where I am loved as am I love.

In the second week, I got hold of a little self respect and stopped calling but depression came knocking on my door. My mouth would say “I am ok” but it felt like my heart has been ripped out my chest. So I  Googled how to get over a break up and one of the things I saw was getting myself busy. I was already busy so I decided to make myself busier. I signed up  for an online fashion and design class. It was fun, never knew I even had a knack for being creative. I got engrossed and busy but there was still that aura of sadness.

One month later,  I felt cold and withdrawn so I googled  for other options and I found many. This one said to get into a relationship. Logically speaking that didn’t sit well with me but I didn’t want to keep feeling this way. So I started dating. I didn’t date him for up to a month then we broke up, it was kind of mutual. I moved on with my life same way I was a month ago.

Like a dying flower I hung my head  and yet again surfed the net for more answers. I had made up my mind to quit my frantic search if this  also goes South.  I  saw many options but one struck me. It said “self love”. I stopped to think about that, how do you love yourself? I wondered. Did I  love myself enough or at all. Remembering all my past relationships, I was mostly altruistic, my anthem was basically “ am fine don’t worry about me”. Yet again altruism is good right, I kept asking myself as I went to bed that night . So the next day while at work, into a search engine I typed “how to love yourself” and was quite amazed at what I saw.

So I started another healing process in high hopes. First off I let go, because at times some people think that  holding on makes you strong but sometimes letting go can make you stronger .  Every morning I told myself I was enough and my happiness was my choice to make. If I say that was an easy thing to do, call me an incorrigible liar. Later on I started buying stuff for myself, If I saw what I loved and I had the money I would go for it. Since after my breakup I had not hung out with anyone. I always wondered who I would go with. Then yet again my search online told me otherwise. To give myself a special treat. I did that and I felt weird at first but as I continued I started liking the feeling. I found out I loved my own company. The next thing on the list was self growth. After much research I found out that aside my academics I had done next to nothing about myself.

Fully engrossed in making myself a better version of me, I had forgotten the reason that lead me to this. In loosing my relationship I found the true me. Self love is so underrated because no body will take care of you for you, and no one will love you more than yourself or God.

Arueze Chisom Precious, a passionate writer can be reached through sommytilly1402@gmail.com