“This Benz na tear rubber o!”
“Yes oh… ABO, I just bought it in Ibadan like two month ago.”
“Ahhh…Sperry C! You don make am for this life already! Make I tap grace.”
“Wait. Stop. Stop. Stop… Don’t kiss my shoe. Na my guy you be; you sef go make am.”
“Amen, boss.”
“Wait o… Is that not Festus? This is a serious reunion o…”
“Festus my guy! How far now!”
“I’m sound, man. How are you doing, too?”
“Festus I dey feel your handshake o… E be like senator own.”
“Bro, it’s been half a decade.”
“Which one be half a decayed again? Abi fish head dey smell for here? Wait. Why una dey laugh me?”
“Oh my God o… ABO will not kill me with laughter oh… I meant decade not decayed. That’s another word for ten years. So half of that decade translates into five years.”
“A… B… O… Your papa say make you go school but you say school na scam. See your life?”
“Sperry C wetin you come mean? Unto which levels be that? Because say I never make am for this life, abi? Forget oh… No speak oyinbo grammar for here o… Na Mushin we gather dey. You know how I dey beat you when we dey small? Talk nonsense again, first.”
“Young man calm down. You never change.”
“Sperry C. Warn yourself oh… no dey knack my chest. Abi you wan see craze?”
“Everyone decorum. Look who’s coming over. ABO please compose yourself; I beg of you.”
“Festus, woman wrapper! Upon all the Lekki way you dey stay, you never change your ways.”
“Shhh… She’s nearer.”
***
“Yes the drama is for a church program. My fellow actors are stuck in Ikeja traffic. And they may not make it before 2pm today.”
“Shey item 7 go dey?”
“What’s that?”
“ABO is talking about RSVP.”
“Oh yes, there was an avenue for the invited guests to respond to the invitation or decline if they wouldn’t avail themselves. It helped us issue out proper seats reservations.”
“No be seat we go chop na… na RSVP I dey talk about: Rice and Stew Very Plenty. Shey rice dey?”
“Oh. Sure, we cooked rice and turkey for the congregation and it would be more than enough to go round.”
“Chai! Turkey?! Na Item 7 plus be that oh!”
“ABO, calm down.”
“Okay pretty lady, so what exactly are the roles we are to play?”
“The role of the three wise men — just to present the gifts, that’s all. Joseph and Mary are around. For the shepherd’s part, and the Herod’s part, our narrator would do her job.”
“Okay that’s good. Emm… Could I get your WhatsApp number, you know, so if there is any emergency I could reach out to you.”
“Emergency? I don’t understand.”
“I mean like if my friend here, ABO, forgets his role, I can, you know, quickly beep you up to remind him of, you know, what to say.”
“Don’t worry about my number. He wouldn’t forget anything.”
“Ah… You don’t know my friend o… He usually forget his role around afternoon time.”
“You don’t know the Bible. The Bible did not record that the wise men said anything; they just presented their gifts.”
“Oh. That’s absolutely true. I was mistaking Mark’s gospel with the gospel of Paul.”
“Paul?”
“Sorry, Luke.”
“Ahh… I was about asking if you’ve opened a Bible before.”
“Your beauty was confusing what I learned in Sunday school.”
“Festus!”
“Sperry C why are you shouting my name; please mind your business.”
“Okay o…”
“So… I’d… I’d just get the… em… the costumes ready.”
At least if you give me your number I can chat you up to know if the audience…”
“Congregation.”
“Sorry, the congregation. So I can know if the congregation clapped after the drama. You know, a good feedback, you know, helps us become better actors.”
“Hm. Ambitious man.”
“Okay, okay. At least you could tell us your name.”
“Festus, you too like woman! Do fast make you sponsor my feeding abeg; I dey H.”
“Oh I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself properly. I’m Mirabel, the chief organizer of the drama group. I’ve to ensure the Narrator is ready to get on stage. See you on stage when you are called. Bye.”
“Festus. Stop looking at her property; you dey for the House of God compound.”
“I’m not looking at her backside; I was thinking.”
“Sperry C, leave Festus, na for woman Ynash him dey always think.”
“I will fight you oh… Are you in my mind?”
“Young man, no dey disguise. We sabi your ways.”
***
“No o… I no see that one for Bible o…”
“ABO are you sure you’ve read the story of the birth of Jesus Christ before?”
“Festus Baba, I sabi ‘bros J’ naw… Na Him dey heal people anyhow for all those them Moses time.”
“Moses ke?”
“Yes naw… them Moses time. Peter and Paul sef. No be that Peter and Paul way dey sing Nigerian songs o… No be P Square. Na the good Peter and Paul I dey talk about.
“Guys. Don’t forget; we’re at the back of the stage; the congregation could hear our voices.”
“Fans never plenty yet now. No fear!”
“ABO!”
“Oya sorry. No vex, no vex.”
“So the drama script says we are the three wise men. Our role is just to present the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. So Sperry C would carry the frankincense, ABO will carry the myrrh while I will be the one carrying the gold. That’s all we —”
“Tah! Shey na only you sabi beta thing? Na me go carry gold.”
“Why are you so stubborn? Myrrh is a great gift as well, ABO.”
“How Myrrh take good? See the sound sef… E be like say na goat dem dey talk. Mmmeeh… Me I no be goat. Gimme gold make I carry abeg.”
“Oya you will carry it. Festus, please continue.”
“That’s all I had to say.”
“…then the wise men from the east came into the manger bringing gifts of…”
“The narrator has called us oh… Let’s act our best ways, okay?”
“ABO you’ll go first.”
“Even for secondary school sef I no dey take first. Make senior man, Sperry C, go first.”
“ABO you’re carrying the gold; you’ll go first. Gold, frankincense and myrrh. In that order.”
“I no say you no like me. But I go waka go. If gbese happen na your ear I go chop.”
“You’re loquacious, ABO; move already!”
“wetin you talk?”
“Compose. We’re on the stage already.”
“Omo the fans plenty oh! This church get fans, oooomo!”
“ABO.”
“Wey that fine girl way talk say item 7 plus go dey?”
“Make she come fan us for here, heat dey. Or else I go comot this costume wey thick like Agege bread.”
“Sperry C, ABO has disgraced not only the church but our generations.”
“Which kain Mary be this gan? The Mary I sabi no get tribal mark o…”
“Wait. Wait. Wait… This woman no fit be Mary naw. I sabi am naw. Na Iya Basit be this. Na that wig way she wear for head na em one confuse me before. Nobody fit use wig hide face.
This one na kurukere woman o… No be last week way Oga James tell me say he wan go fix bulb for her room. Three hours he never come out. She think say she wise. She come loud TV make we no know wetin dey happen for room.”
“Ahhhhh! Iya Basit!”
“Omo the fans surprise gan!”
“E get another thing way this woman do.”
“Tell us something…”
“Omo… I dey feel these fans; them get vibes!”
“ABO wait first; let’s act exactly as the Bible did. Okay? Give her your gold as rehearsed.”
“No. I no go give Iya Basit my gold. Wey baby Jesus? Na baby doll dey that crate o… Iya Basit no even born real pikin sef. Na Joseph I dey pity gan. Make I sha give Joseph. Na him sure pass. Joe boy, oya take this one. No give that yeye woman.”
“What kind of rubbish are you displaying on this stage you this boy?”
“Arhh! Na me you dey follow talk?! I dey give you gold you still dey talk rubbish? Shey you drink canal water? Eh?”
“Please behave yourself.”
“So I no get behaviour? You go see my true colour now.”
“ABO! Stop fighting!”
“Festus, no disturb me o! I go beat this man teeth comot. He tell me say I no get behaviour.”
“He said you should behave yourself not that you don’t have behaviour.”
“Stop fighting! ABO!”
“Wait o… Iya Basit no run o… When I finish with your husband I go treat your mess up too.”
“Useless boy, who is running from you.”
“Talk am again if they born you well!”
“You’re a useless boy! Good-for-nothing neighbor.”
“Sperry C no stop me. Today, today, I go kill this woman.”
“Festus. Festus, your babe done dey come.”
***
“We’ve had enough of you ‘wise men in quote.’”
“You say?”
“Get out! The three of you!”“
But your fans laugh tire naw… You no pay service fee?”
“Madam, no dey push me o… Because say I dey ask for your number that time no mean say you go dey do gra-gra…”
“Ah an… Festus so you still sabi speak pidgin?”
“Sperry C, Festus na pretender-do-the-worse oh.”
“ABO, Shut up! I was composing myself; I wasn’t pretending.”
“I know say Mushin blood no fit just leave you like that; Mushin no dey carry las for Lagos.”
“Sperry C!”
“But wait o… Festus talk to your babe naw… I never see my own item 7 plus o…”
“Na for dream you go chop today.”
“Ah why na? Na you say make I act in my best ways na…”
About the Writer
Ezeadum Sixtus Ebube is a 200 Level medical student at the University of Ibadan. He has a long-lasting romantic relationship with creativity and enjoys every variation she offers, most especially, in the aspect of creative writing.
