Writer’s note: This piece employs in its entirety the use of satire and comic to present factual reasons for the dearth in the traditional new year prophecies and resolutions in year 2021. It is by no means an attempt to scoff at your belief or otherwise on this topic.
There is no better way to identify a man or a woman of Nigerian descent other than their thirst for new year prophecies. After all, the elders say, a fly that has no counsellor follows the corpse to the grave. Hence, as a Nigerian, if you genuinely desire to maximize a new year, it is a must to consult one of the selected few who have unlimited access to divinity to give you heads up on how your year will be. Know this and know peace.
Your bucket list of new year resolutions will be an exercise in futility if you fail to do this. For accurate new year resolutions are only those borne out of crystal clear new year prophecies. Could you read that again and let it sink deep?
However, there seems to be a scarcity of new year prophecies, and its ripple effect, resolutions in 2021. Consequently, there are many flies in the absence of counsel headed for the grave with the corpse. But how did things get this bad? Just relax. Grab what’s left of your new year’s chicken and enjoy the ride.
- Covic- 1,9
Please, no disrespect to Bubu. (You’re not Nigerian enough if you need anyone to explain this joke to you.) Back to the matter, the public health emergencies ravaging the seven continents brought the world to its knees during the first wave. By its second wave, it’s now apparent the virus intends to keep the world grounded as long as there are covidiots who refuse to take precautionary measures.
That said, the covic pandemic is causing more uncertainty than fatalities. In one breadth there is a lockdown, in another, there is the imposition of a curfew. And as you already know, the strength of prophecy lies in its certainty. But that’s what 2020 was all about; bursting bubbles.
Case in point was Musa who received a prophecy that he will be in America by April but had his dream knocked down by national lockdown both in his supposed country of departure and arrival. So since Musa carried over last year prophecy do you expect him to request for new projections? Think about it.
Sadly, owing to the annual prophecy receiving ritual codenamed crossover night cancelled to curtail the spread of Covic 1,9 many religious faithful in Nigeria could not gather to receive prophecies for the new year. Anyways, Pandemic 1- 0 Nigerian religious faithful.
- Vibes and inshallah
There is no better way to lead a fulfilled life than to live by the impulses of vibes backed up with inshallah. And although it took Nigerians 60 years post Independence to realize this, it was the most significant discovery of 2020.
Isn’t it cute to live without the pressure of fulfilling specific prophecies or bounding yourself all in the name of resolutions when You Only Live Once—YOLO! Nothing’s been cuter, and Nigerians are keeping it a hundred. I have never been more proud of this country.
This youth propagated liberating school of thought frowns at overthinking, deliberate planning and a visionary mindset which at a closer look is stressful at best, and frustrating at worse. With the increasing acceptance of this philosophy, the archaic practice of new year prophecies and resolutions has lost its grip on Nigerians.
Therefore, we’re free like a bird.
- The gods are angry
The gods are angry and rightly so. In fact, at this junction, I cannot agree more with my mentee Ola Rotimi when he said, The Gods Are Not to Blame. You see, to receive prophecies, the gods must be at peace with you.
Little wonder why they say, If the vulture fails to hover at the end of a sacrifice, then you know that something happened in the land of spirits. In this case, the disregard for the gods has grieved the spirits.
As a result of one or two inaccurate prophecies given by the gods last year, many cast aspersion on the gods’ legitimacy only to turn to them this year for prophecies. And shall we continue to cast aspersion on the gods and request for prophecies to abound? Tufiakwa! When dealing with the gods, a man must not speak out of both sides of his mouth.
So as it is, the gods have locked up, hence lack of prophecies and proper resolution you’re witnessing in the year 2021.
At exactly midnight on January 1 2020, all Nigeria’s myriad of problem disappeared. It was the national dimension of, New Year; New Me. Old things in Nigeria passed away, but inflation didn’t. I believe it must have crept into 2020 while Nigerians are lost in the euphoria of how all planned for vision 2020 is about to become a reality suddenly. After all, if we did think it, we can achieve it, Lol.
Creeping inflation soon gained its ground and skyrocketed. When it did, it dealt with everything on the Nigerian soil, beneath it and above. The government says it was due to the pandemic, but you know this is a common NIGER-AREA epidemic, as old as miss Flora Shaw herself.
To hit the nail on its head: the year 2020 inflation proved abortive all resolutions and resolution makers. Typically, a disappointed Amaka could not save up to six figures as she can’t even afford three square meal. What next? The battle of survival began.
This battle threw Nigerians into great turmoil late 2020, and all that filled their minds were survival strategies. At this moment, you would agree the least on their mind would be hunger or thirst for new year’s prophecies. And since it takes appetite and desires to receive it, many Nigerians failed the test while preoccupied with survival means.
Hence, the shortage witnessed in the release of prophecies for 2021 in Nigeria. Once again, Inflation 1- 0 prophecies.
Do you really think this list can be complete without almighty ‘ASSU’?. When the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) in Nigeria sneezes, hundreds of millions of Nigerian youths catches a cold. Without mincing world, ASUU is the most significant decider of destiny in Nigeria and the only body greater than it in rank is the Federal Executive Council.
Since the ocean never swallows a person with whose leg it does not come in contact with, the two alternatives to escape this union’s dominion as a Nigerian are going abroad for your tertiary education or embracing the abroad-like private institutions in Nigeria. Without these two, ASUU will be the author and finisher of your fate. Quote me anywhere!
Last year witnessed a historic showdown between Federal Government and ASUU which much-altered students’ time-bound prophecies and resolutions—an actual display of the saying that when two elephants fight, the grass suffers.
The traumatic ten months old industrial action did not only delay students academic calendar; it has also disrupted the prophetic calendar. Consequently, young Nigerian students in public universities, which account for millions of Nigerians, after experiencing unfulfilled prophecies hinged on the assumption of graduation in 2020, lacked the morale to pursue prophecies in 2021. Thus, an unusual dearth of prophecies and resolutions.
And if there is one thing you should know by now, it’s: when the demands for prophecies are low; the supply of prophecies are low. And vice versa.
Asides this five reasons, any other reason(s) for the shortage of prophecies and resolutions is a counterfeit. And whoever proposes any other cause is a liar and should be treated as one—even if it turns out to be me.
With love and light from South Korea where we add a year to our age at the beginning of every new year I say, 새해 복 많이 받으세요 (saehae bok mani badeuseyo.
Bolaji Alade is a 400 Level law student of the University of Ibadan with a keen interest in International Criminal Law, Journalism and Media & Entertainment Law. He can be reached through email@example.com