“It hurts to have someone in your heart but can’t have them in your arms”–Curiano.com
My sweet Vera
As I write this, my heart is a broken dam, overflowing with the love I have for you. I am sorry I have not been able to write to you for a while now. In here, having as ordinary as a pen and paper is not just only a blessing but also a luxury. I bless the man who managed to lend me his for the Time being. Due to the fact, I have not written in a while, my hands are shaking like a leaf, hence making my writing sloppy.
The sun has just risen and I can hear the warden open the gates. I hope you caught the beautiful sun rise this morning as you are my eyes and ears on the outside. For me, with every passing day, the dawn breaks open like a wound that bleeds afresh. I find it hard resigning to my fate, as here, as my new home, but sadly this is my fate.
I would also want to know Vera, I hope you no longer drench your pillow in tears. The last time you came, the bags underneath your eyes were huge enough to pack your books. I saw how you tried to hide them by smiling often. Life has happened. All I want is for you to be happy, to smile often.
Living rent free in my head in the image of your smile the first day I met you. That smile has been replicated a lot of times and I am happy I am responsible for that. You say you loved how I remembered the littlest of things about you. Up until this day, that has and will always be the most beautiful thing someone has ever told me. Meeting you in the library was not a mistake, seeing that you are a book person. I had thought that when we were communicating through notes in the library, it was because you didn’t want me to make noise. It was when we got outside and you kept writing, I knew something was wrong.
Truth be told I didn’t set out to date you but I couldn’t help falling in love with you. You didn’t have everything but you gave me all you’ve got. I’ll always regret not taking those sign language courses. Because of that… because I am in the other side of the world with this barricade, all I can see are your facial features. I thought I would be able to endure, I thought I would not react but only for me to turn on myself like a tortured snake.
I wonder how you are holding up. How is your publisher treating you? I hope he is not hard on you. I saw how you slave in front of the computer every night to bring that book that would get you, your dream. Your Nobel prize. You deserve it.
You know, I hated the idea of reading books. It felt boring and static. Well guess who is a book worm now. I still am on the ones you brought 6 months ago. I know you would have mouthed the words, slow reader. I agree I am slow but I feel I have to be, because I am a new reader. You know, I can liken reading a book to having a wizard’s broom. While reading, I have travelled to different places and felt a rush of different emotions. Books are magical. I now see what makes you stick your nose in them all the time.
I dream of the moments, when I was with you and I wake up from those dreams crying because it’s likely an impossible feat. It’s true what they say, happy memories make you sad. As you know, I didn’t set out to be a con artist. I have always been an honest man but things happen and spiral out of your control. Money has always been my problem. You know, some people were born with either silver spoons or wooden spoons but in my own case, I wasn’t born with any spoon. From a young age I learnt how hard life was. I saw how money was like a magic wand, which when waved, and all our problems would suddenly disappear. I knew that it wasn’t my fault I was born poor but it will definitely be mine if I die poor.
At first, David approached me with that business plan and it was looked brilliant. We wanted to build a conglomerate, and have the people as shareholders. We will grow the business till people like Warren buffet who loves investing will, buy shares in our company. That was our dream. I was good with numbers while David was good with people. I can still remember as I wrote down the steps to follow to get there and as far as I was concerned, it was the best business plan I had ever made. In my quest for a better life and a good name, I forgot that it was easy to make money but it was hard to find good business partners and employees. I guess I trusted David too much but what was I to do, when a guy has taken a bullet for me twice. Why wouldn’t I trust him? He won my trust but he was a man of no integrity by his actions, which has landed me here. My eyes still water whenever I remember what he did. To the public my business could look like a Ponzi scheme but only I know the blue prints to my business. Remember a thief was once a good person.
My one and only, God! I miss you. Now I get to understand why you were always like that around me. Why you would not stay angry at me for too long and forgive so easily. Why you will stare at me long and hard and when I asked you why, you would scribble down your words. You wrote that you lost your parents at an early stage of your life and you didn’t have many loved ones because most of your relatives treated you like a pariah because you were dumb. You would say, it wasn’t your fault you became dumb, so why will you have to suffer for it. You made up your mind to not only love but to miss the people in your life. You miss them alive because you don’t know how life would be when they are gone. You said it would be a boring life, not worth living for. And I agree with you my precious. I agree.
I miss your touch. I know you have not been able to visit for months now and I understand that. The distance is on another level. And also due to the way the prison visiting area is constructed, I have to endure the sight of you without touching or you writing anything to communicate or even to clean your eyes from your tear stricken face. What other life sentence can be worse than watching you cry but as little as wiping your tears proves to be impossible. The glass that divides us, makes me painfully aware that I would never get to touch you again or even if I would, it would be with old fraying hands. If I would. Not being able to touch you, feels like you and I are in a never ending COVID. I don’t know what your touch feels like now but my brain somehow remembers . They are engraved in my heart . The memories of you. And I think it is one of the few things, I would take to my grave. You were not my first love but I am sure, you would definitely be my last.
By the time you would be reading this, it would have been a month later. That is if the warden and the careless post office woman manages to remember to deliver our letters. Vera baby don’t come looking for me. Find yourself a man who will love and cherish you. Don’t put your self through the torture of hoping. Hope is also a luxury, I can’t afford. I don’t know when next I’ll see you but I know, you will always be in my heart.
Maybe if I get to meet God before you, I’ll ask him what you always wanted to know. You wanted to know why he brings us into this world, only to rip us apart from of our loved ones. And from all indications, you do have a valid question. I hope he answers too.
Thank you for being there for me and believing in me. Thank you for making me feel, like I am enough. I wish you nothing but Happiness my love. As you go about securing those bags, and breaking those boundaries, I’ll be here cheering for you. Your no 1 loyal fan. Just do you. I love you to the moon and back, always remember that. Always.
Written by: Arezue Chisom