SMAN!!! Don’t give them Shishi!!. Alright let’s go back to how and where it all started. Hi! My name is Beauty Collins, I wait at tables in one of the not so expensive restaurants around the city and lest I forget I am not beautiful, please don’t tell me beauty is skin deep. You see I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I was jinxed when I stood like a waxed statue staring  fixatedly at my name written in sloppy writing on the rooster. I was to work on Sunday, Valentine’s day. While my colleagues talked with Glee about their Valentine’s day  plans like it  was the next best thing since sliced bread, I whined like a 2 yr old about how my plans were shattered, but then my subconscious stared at me like Patience Ozorkwor in disdain saying Lori iro( based on lies). This was because the last time I was in a relationship was 2 years ago and the last time I thought I was going to be asked out  was when I was asked for a pen at the banking hall. The week had gone all haywire for me. On Monday I redesigned the boss’s shirt or maybe ruined it forever thumbs up to the coffee. Tuesday I served a table the wrong Check. Wednesday I had my period stain by skirt. Thursday I was caught flipping a customer. By Friday I could mentally see God face palming himself for my sake when I was caught dancing during work hours, as my friend Ejiro would say your shame dey shame me. And no I am not a rookie. Am still Wondering why I was let off the hook after all that. Saturday wasn’t getting any better, cause it was the day I found out I was jinxed. So I moved on after gathering some pity from my colleagues because as you know pity likes party. I went home to hit the sack,  not oblivious of the many red gowns the boutique shops seemed to only have now, knowing fully well I had bigger fish to fry the next day. After 15 hours or more I am in the changing room adjusting my skirt  . The restaurant was already buzzing with customers thanks to the Valentine’s day. The speakers Burst with music like a bent up flood, filling my ears. The first customer  I waited on was a couple. As expected our customers were coming in twos. They took a seat at the far end of the restaurant. The lady was a walking Mona Lisa, the total package,  then turning my gaze onto her plus 1, he was bald which made him look more like the yellow emoji on shades . They made their orders. When I delivered their food to them, the lady grabbed her phone and starting clicking away. Turns out they were the typical his view/ her view kinda couple but the moment the guy took off his shades I knew that instant he would either be blurred out or headless in the picture when posted  on social media. My next customers were all females, juveniles actually. They were all dressed in red gowns, which looked obviously new . Though those clothes might have cost them an arm and a leg but they didn’t mind because they didn’t want to be left out. I attended to other customers but quite a few  struck my attention. Like the petite chubby lady and her boyfriend. It was glaring that they were truly in love. They were so engrossed in their conversation I had to call their attention twice before I was acknowledged. They made their order without problems as they were the exemplary cliché’ two hearts that beat as one. I didn’t fail to also notice the older couple who had been grinning at each other for the past 45 minutes. As they conversed the man would stop at intervals to whisper sweet nothings into his wife’s ears, which will get her giggling like a school girl. Deep down I envied what they had because things like this don’t come by easily. One of the last table I waited on cracked me up so much that I almost laughed out loud. The man stumbled into the restaurant with probably his girlfriend because she had no wedding band on. When I got to their table they were both frowning. It looked like the man was threatened and dragged down to the restaurant. When I asked them what they wanted, the man hissed loudly and the lady went ahead to make her order, as she was speaking I could see the man glare at her,only if looks could kill . When it was time for him to order here is our conversation. Me: sir what would you like to order? Him: what is the cheapest food on this menu? He asked me, with a frown present on his face. Me: sir that would be the jollof rice. Him: how much? Me: 5000 a plate Him: eeh!! Me am not buying anything. The lady he came with tried to placate him but he was as stubborn as a mule. Just then  two guys came in, then everyone started  snickering. I wondered what could be the source of their laughter. Just as they turned towards me to get to a chair, I saw it written boldly on their polo.. STINGY MEN ASSOCIATION TASK FORCE,motto: don’t give them shishi!!. I burst out in laughter. As they took a seat,one of them shouted “stingy men association!!!” then there were replies of Don’t give them Shishi and let me see what I can do, but the voice of the obstinate man was the loudest. I ran into the changing room and had a good laugh. At the end of the day as I slung my purse on my shoulder about to head home, I knew that this Valentine’s day will be one out of many I had truly enjoyed.   Arueze Chisom Precious,

‘Love is not real’. I know you will be pondering over that statement, but on a more serious note, I mean every damn word in that statement. Several times, in big Nollywood movies, there is always this crazy scene that will try to portray love as a very big ordeal. Whenever I see that, I will mutter to myself ‘that is rubbish’. Love is meaningless and does not exist in this generation. “Let’s dance in style Let’s dance for a while Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you gonna drop the bomb or not? Let’s us die young or let us live forever We don’t have the power but we never say never” Those were the exact lyrics of a very popular song titled ‘Forever Young’ by Jay-Z and Mr Hudson. Am pretty sure that those words by Jay-Z and Mr Hudson were expressing the agony of life. The truth remains that, Man is full of burning expectations. We always hope for the best but on the other hand, we keep our eyes open for the worst to come. Well, this was my case during valentine. Sitting on a small stool, opposite my wardrobe in my small apartment, with my phone on my hands and scrolling along the street of twitter. My heart was heavy and my face said a lot about my present situation. Pain and sadness engulfed me until I stumbled across the picture of this light-skin and pretty young lady. ‘Love’ as people say, comes at first sight and this was apparently my case. At first glance, I fell in love with this lady. ‘I love this lady’ I muttered for the umpteenth time scratching my head. I could feel my heart beat and was so willingly to take actions without given it a thought. The thing about love is, it makes one seem foolish. You know the thing about humans? We are always desperate to satisfy our quest in life. Such desperation is what makes us to go extra mile in achieving things we deem as success. This was just me with this pretty lady, I was so desperate in knowing her. I was so eager to text this lady but it was seeming like, I couldn’t speak again because no single word was trying to come up in my mind. I was speechless like a new born baby. Sitting on the stool, with my left hand on my chin and my phone on my right hand, thinking holistically on what to text this lady. Finally! After several minutes of thinking and sweating on my clothes like someone who is about to be slaughtered, I came up with an idea. It was looking like, I just figured out the solution that even the world smartest man could not. That feeling when you offered a solution that even Albert Einsten couldn’t figure out. That was how I felt, like a genius. Going back to my phone at regular intervals, putting my mobile data on and going straight to the chat, became a routine for me. You could say that I was anxious because indeed, I was. My heart ponded as I await this lady to reply. Days passed into weeks and weeks moving up to months, yet I was still kept in the dark. No reply came forth. I could remember vividly, it was on a Sunday morning when she suddenly replied, because we were just coming home from church and every Sunday in my home meant church. My mother was-and still is-a deeply religious woman. Very christian. Like indigenous people around the world, black Africans adopted the religion of our colonizers. By ‘adopt’ I mean it was forced on us. The white man was quite stern with the native. “You need to pray to Jesus”, Jesus will save you. But the more we went to church and the longer I sat in those pews the more I learned about how Christianity works: if you’re Native American and you pray to the wolves, you’re a savage. If you’re African and you pray to your ancestors, you’re primitive. But when white people pray to a guy who turns water into wine, well, that’s just common sense, but that’s beside the point. Seeing the notification of her text on my phone, my heart began to beat faster than normal. Filled with suspense, so I didn’t even give it a second on opening the text. Wow! She responded warmly. Staring at the text, series of questions began to creep into my mind. Does it mean she has feelings for me too? Or, Does it mean she wants to befriend me? No one could help me answer those questions. Deep down in me, I really loved this lady and really wanted her to reciprocate that same love for me. I gave the whole incidence a second thought and decided to text her again. This time, it was so different, she replied within the snapped of my finger. In that manner, that was how we began to communicate. You know the thing with communication? It creates a forum for relationship to start. Well, that was how our relationship began. ‘Relationship’ as some people will rather say, grows like a cancer while some other people will say, grows like a fibroid. You know how fibroid grows? A fibroid can grow as little as the size of mustered seed to as big as a watermelon and this is how relationship grows. As time progressed, so did the relationship begin to grow and blossom. You wouldn’t say that the relationship was totally an online relationship because we do meet physically on several occasions and sometimes, we do go out for outings. Just like couples in Nollywood movies will always do. I could recall every single incidence that took place in our first outing, because that was the very first time in my life, I went for an outing with a girl, so I

Dear diary, I was manning my position, as usual, this morning when a man dressed in a white T-shirt tucked into red trousers walked in at 8:42 am. He would be the first customer for the day at Bessa’s kitchen. He looked a little bit apprehensive as he took undecisive steps towards one of the table sets by the door. He sat down quietly and heaved a sigh. Then he began to stare at the ceiling. He remained in this position for about a minute. Suddenly, the gentleman became conscious of his environment. It was as if something had geared him back to life. He looked around to see if anyone had observed his actions for a while. This was when he noticed that I had been observing him all the while. I gave him a smile. I then began to move toward his direction with the menu in my hand. This made him even more apprehensive. ‘Good morning, sir. Welcome to Bessa’s kitchen where the dishes speak the language of your stomach.’ I smiled. ‘What would you like to eat this morning?’ I said as I handed him the menu. ‘Good evening, sir’, he responded as he struggled to maintain calmness. At this point, I knew my customer wanted something more than just a dish, I smiled as I sat at the opposite end of his table. I held his hands. ‘It’s okay, sir. I noticed you’ve been apprehensive for a while now. Calm down, orders can come later. Let’s have a heart to heart talk, guy to guy. What is bothering your mind?’ He heaved a sigh and sat straight. He looked like someone who had a truckload of fear and doubts running through his mind. I held his hands more tightly. ‘Your secret is safe with me.’, I assured him. Rays of hope beamed in his eyes and for the first time since he entered the restaurant, he smiled. ‘Sir, I am planning to pr…pro…pose to my girlfriend today but I don’t know how to go about it yet. Do you have an idea? He said as looked into my eyes hoping to find a saving grace. Here am I, a young man in his early twenties. I had not had any love experience. Though a large percentage of my friends are females, I had not proposed to any before. Don’t think of me as a strange person, I just don’t know how to woo a lady. But telling this young man in his late twenties that won’t be of any good. In fact, it would amount to adding fuel to fire. He needed a way out and I just have to devise one. An idea came to mind. If this works out, I’ll probably try it on Shola, my life-long crush. If it doesn’t, then, I’ll just thrash it. Either way, here is an opportunity to experiment. I gave it a nod. ‘I think I can help you’. I responded. ‘Wow! I’ll appreciate that. I’ll really do.’ he said as he beaming with a smile. ‘Let’s order for a rose and ring from Vine’s palace. It’s just across the street.  I’ll help you scribe something nice on a napkin. Something romantic.’ I said. ‘That’s lovely.’ He exclaimed. ‘When she comes, beckon on me, I’ll take her order but instead of presenting her with what she ordered, I would come with the ring and a rose in a tray. I’ll cover it with the napkin. When she opens her order, the content will do the talking. You’ll just have to end it with a line.’ I said and paused for a minute. ‘Something like…, erm…, what’s her name?’ I asked. ‘Oh, sorry. Erm. My name is Michael and her name is Mary ‘. He said joyfully. ‘Okay, you can say something like… Mary, although the stars sparkle in the sky and although the moon lightens the darkest night. The stars and the moon are not sufficient to tell of the joy you’ve brought into my life.  I’ll like to make that permanent. Will you marry me?’ Michael jumped up in excitement. ‘This is excellent!’, he said. ‘God bless you, sir’ I smiled, ‘I am Shayo’ He shook my hand. ‘God bless you, Shayo.’ Michael was over-joyous. It was written all over him. He kept repeating the same thing. ‘God bless you, Shayo.’ ‘Amen, sir. Just get the rose and ring before she comes.’ ‘Okay, boss’. Michael hurriedly left for the Vine’s palace and returned few minutes with a golden ring and a rose. Hmm, the ring would have cost him a fortune. Anyway, this is a matter of love and whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. ‘She should be here in the next 15 minutes. I just called her now.’, he did as he handed the package to me. ‘It’s alright, sir. Just be a man. Memorize your lines and leave the rest to me.’ I replied. ‘Okay, Shayo’. ‘Please, excuse me, sir. I’ll like to attend to some customers now.’ I smiled as I made my way to attend to a customer who just walked in with a lady. Valentine day is always a busy day at Bessa’s kitchen. It was about 20 minutes later while I was speaking with another waiter that Michael walked hurried up to me. He pulled me aside. ‘She’s… she’s outside.’ he said. By this time, we already had over 35 customers on seat. I could sense that he was a little bit apprehensive. ‘Alright, sir. You just act normally. Go back to your seat and welcome her with a broad smile. I’ll take it up from here.’ I reassured him. ‘Okay, thanks.’, he said as he made his way to his reserved table. The door opened gently and a lady in her late twenties walked in. A black lady with an elegant look that could cause even the most decent of men to take a second look. She walked up to Michael who was now standing and sitting